He broke my heart

Back in the day before diagnosis, J would have crying jags.  They were always of the angry variety and I often had to bear hug him and sing him out of it.  Although sometimes he was so angry that he would yell at me to stop singing.  Since he has been on medication and in school we rarely have those occur.

Tonight was different.  He had a 20+ minute crying jag but it had nothing to do with anger.  This was all sadness and indecision.  We were sitting together in our big chair and debating dinner.  We couldn’t decide on something we would all want to eat.  It had been a long day and I decided to start offering up comfort foods like chicken nuggets or hotdogs and he was still turning me down.  Then his lip started to quiver and I asked him what was wrong. “I don’t have anything to do.  I don’t want to watch TV” Well this was a shock to me, I am usually pulling him away from a TV or computer.  So I saw the water works were coming.  I went to lay down and let him cuddle me.  He left to go get a blanket.  Once he got settled he just let it all go.  Complete and utter sadness.  He said a couple of times between sobs “I don’t have anything to do and I don’t have anything to eat.”  Several times I went over his choices of activities and dinners.  It was like he couldn’t even hear me.  So I sang to him and tried to hold back my own tears.

I finally asked him if he was sad about something or missed someone.  I fully expected him to say his dad.  He’s been in Korea since June 7th.  Its been 2 weeks since J has gotten to skype video chat with him.  Nope.  He said he missed Aunt Melody who had stayed with us for the past 2 weeks.  She is my husband’s 19 year old sister.  She left on a plane early this morning and he got to video chat with her about a 1/2 hour before the crying.

However, when little J came in 5 minutes later and J was still laying on me sniffling, he asked “Why is he crying?”  I told him that J was a little sad and needed to cry.  J said, “and because I have nothing to do or eat.”  ummm ok

He finally calmed down and decided on chicken nuggets and honey.  As he sat down to the table his lip started quivering again.  Thankfully Little J did something silly and there were no more tears.

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